Ciel’s Insanity

THE GRADUATE.

The night before the graduation was wakeful. I was paranoid of not being able to get up at 4, catch up with the 5:30 thing at PICC (I’m a late comer, but trying to change), not knowing how to apply make up, and still worried about my hair do. At 4:10 I was ready, just ready. I checked on everyone’s room and goodness! They’re all still dead to the world!!! I tried to calm down, not rant, not scream (cause they say I’ve matured, so I was compelled to prove it.) “Graduation ko ngayon. Don’t you people care? GISING NA!” and they’re all on their toes! Haha.. I never wanted a.. what do you call that, basta ung pa-parlor. I hate that, my family hates that too. We want to be simple, simple as we can, the natural the better. Light make up, just powder and a little blush, some for the eyes and lips, and that was it, I looked like me (upload photos soon). Hair.. bun’s wouldn’t look good on the dress, if I have my kulot hair flowing it would seem like I never prepared. The curls were good though (uso na kasi ang kulot), braids.. like I prepared. Yes. Braided hair. I chose what everyone in the family wore. My sister wore a dress even though she didn’t want to. J Thank you ate.

ON THE WAY.

So we jumped in the car, ate tried to drive as fast as she could cause we’re late and bob marley’s keeping her up (I guess she’s now a fan. Haha.) She dropped me off at the gate and I was running like crazzzzy! Nakita niyo sana ako, it’ll make you laugh. Inside PICC I was still running all the way to where the graduates assemble. Ate Anna and I were laughing at how we looked like.. like us? “Did we prepare?” Haha..

The Diploma-looking thing.

Before even getting on stage to get the rolled paper, I had butterflies in my stomach and my knees were.. uh, shaking? I’m human, I told myself. I wasn’t ready for a handshake with the president. 

THE END.

I changed clothes in the car. Yeah, I didn’t want to look like a freak at the resto. After lunch we went food shopping for my thanksgiving party. What a day.

I lied flat on the floor as thoughts of letting go simmered on my pitiable, sapped head. Earlier I was troubled about pulling things together for my final demonstration, with time constraint and everything else ostensibly geared into wrecking my last chance of impressing the dean, supervisors and other critics. I was praying for presence of mind for later, with all the pressure plus no sleep and sore-throat on the side, I doubt I could. God, I was really prepared until the DLP screwed my life.. damn DLP’s. =)

It’s 4 am, and the poor printer’s doing all the noise here.

Rewind.. I lied flat on the floor as thoughts of letting go simmered on my pitiable, sapped head. I need to relax, though impossible.. I persuaded myself to RELAX. He is nowhere yet everywhere! And now takes part of my busyness too.. so while savoring thoughts of him I welcomed David Benoit to the background. It’s filling the room now (drowning in Mr. Printer).. piano version of Here, There and Everywhere. And as the violins bring in a warmer feel for the bridge visions of him walking into the room, smiling at me made my heart melt mush-mush into the floor.. and I’m dying to tell him the words “You are here, you are always here in my heart. Never far away from me.”

I waited for my demonstration to finish before posting this. Thank God it went well. Thank you David. And thank you.

(walking..)

P: Here we are..

C: Ah.. i love this place. So calm.. so quiet.. so..

P: So Pinoy place?

C: What?! Don’t you like it here?

P: I do. I like it. I’d love to be anywhere with you.

(she looks at him.. he fixes the native swing and..)

P: Was this the place you told me about the last time i was here?

C: No.

P:  Why.. it’s beautiful..

C: I know. It’s just not so "flip" to be here.. you and me. Its a farm! haha..

P: I like it. I know you changed plans and it was better.

(He gives her a smile. Her world stops.. for a while until he says..)

P: Sit down. I’ll rock it..

C: Easy.. i’m no little girl anymore.

(She grins.. he nods)

P: That a new book?

C: Yesterday. It’s from my favorite author. And..

P: It’s horror! You cant read that!

C: Who says I cant?

P: YOU! We’ll.. it’s me now. You said it deteriorates in you dreams.. like a nightmare.

C: Spare me. It’s from my favorite.

(She flips through the pages. He stares at her..)

P: Please stop that.. reading that..

C: Oh.. later..

P: Mamaya? Nah..

(He reaches to her. Covers her eyes..)

C: Stop that will you?!

P: Not till you say you’ll stop.

(She closes the book)

C: Okay, will stop. See..

(He lets go of her)

P: I just don’t want you to have a bad dream.

C: Thank you..

……………………..

(Grr.. grrrr… grrr…)

(She wakes up.. its Sunday and she’s late for Sunday school.)

You don’t know how to continue life without him. You think he matters more to you than anything else in the world.. you feel like you’ve been so attached to him but I think you just needed company. For about half a year you assumed that things are going on well between the two of you.. like everything was falling fittingly into place, that you enjoy each other’s company so much so you don’t want him outa sight and that he was being superbly faithful to you and just you - then you open your computer one day read somebody else’s blog and find out for yourself that he had lied to you more than you could ever imagine! You were numb for a moment.. you wanted to cry.. see him and cuff him real hard on the face. You were very argumentative not realizing that you would regret everything you told him that day. Of course he made you believe in one more lie – that what you read aint true and what that it was a “—— ——-”.. hearing that made you boil more. So you stopped talking to him hoping that he would do something extraordinary to make up for everything but you know that he wouldn’t and that he isn’t capable of doing such a thing. You meet sporadically and lost everything just like that.

He became cold and you did everything to win him back though its unworkable and you know that.

He wanted to see you that day, you said yes not cause you want to but cause you just looked for company. You shed all those tears in front of him making him trust that you were hurting. You know it doesn’t hurt at all cause he was never part of your “dreamed future”, you just needed company. So he saw you crying and tried to console you.. promised you more and more things you know he can never fulfill (and none of his promises ever materialized, you know better) so the promises enter one ear and exit the other. You act like he was so needed though it was untrue and you know for yourself that you were more disheartened on losing a friend that losing him. You made him believe that you were in love but you know that days are lonely and you just needed company.

I can’t really tell you how I feel. I wish you never had to go. I wish we had more time. I know you’d be back real soon but till that day comes all I could do is wish and pray for you. What’s weird is that while we’re on the other side of the world what you’ve been telling me is exactly the same thing I was feeling over you or I was doing the exact same thing just to get through the loneliness. I forgot to tell you that I am, as much as you are, impressed each time we talk. And that we are really awesome just like that.  It’s hard to put a finger on this emotion. Something inside me rouses when you’re awake, or when you have a message and I would know, that goes on even when I am asleep. Thank you for compromising your sleeping time for me, and for spending a lot more just so we could talk and have it as often as possible. And our amity bloomed into something more than we anticipated and with that everyday we proved them wrong. We’re friends and though it’s one really odd thing.. we need not explain how it feels to anyone.   

On moments when l feel like everyone has just been so untrue and can’t keep up with their promises.. I’ll just rest on the fact that there is someone who knows my name, knows my every thought, sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call.. like today.

Thank you so much Lord for condoling with me on times like these when I feel and hear my heart cracking.

Days ago I was thinking about this man on his late twenty’s.. although nobody on his late twenties came, something happened that made me realize that I should be contented on this "kid". I mean, I could deny it all I want but no matter how I try to dispatch him.. he’s just good enough.. tailor made for me, by God of course. We might be on some very rocky part of the road but I know we’ll make it through… I’m happy here, nah.. CONTENTED that’s the right word.

I absolutely lost tract of my MAN.. I have been besieged by the presence of a FRIEND. A friend whose actions I totally misinterpreted. The guy’s nice to everyone! Silly of me to think that I am special. Checked my pulse and I’m right back to reality. Got a hold of my senses and realize that I have been giving in to something I never planned. How bout my dream guy? How bout him.. I should wait cause he’ll definitely come and sweep me off my feet. I wanna be with someone who’s on his late twenty’s.. who’s old enough to fetch me after my classes.. who’s able to make his own decisions.. who never compares me to somebody else.. who’s viewpoint is never affected by the people around him.. who could be as nutty as I am yet sane enough to impress me.. who takes me out just to gulp on fresh air.. who’ll spoil the kid in me (and even the not-so-young side).. who can carry out good conversations.. to cut it short.. I need someone who could give me his time.. time.. his most precious TIME.

(I really thought that this man was my classmate in PE back in 2^{nd year, he’s just sooo… sooooo! And if I were to choose between him or the model.. I’d go for him. Uhuh.. he was my type. PE’s over and he graduated, but he drops by the school to share lunches with me. )}

Age really doesn’t matter though but I’m pretty sure the younger ones are overly busy with their "world exploration".. so I’ll wait for the man in his late twenties.. or else - have a serious alternative.

This is going to be the LAST time I’ll ever be making a post for him.. because I’ve had ENOUGH. And so tomorrow I’m going to force myself to think of better things other than him.. to NOT send a reply to his messages.. to avoid talking to him so as to avoid falling deeply. And yes.. I fell into my own trap. I’m giving him away.

My oasis have always been violated.. my happy place is now unhappy and this is one way of stopping him from disturbing my haven.

I’ve spent the loneliest Christmas of my life. Goodbye Tagaytay and hot frap dreams.. goodbye tired soles and long walks. Solitude had been accompanying me for a quite some time now and there’s nothing I could do but enjoy it.